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Chapter 1

Dogman turned up on our doorstep at nine o’clock sharp, wolfhound in tow.

“You’ll love me,” he said. “I’ve brought you a crevice tool.”

“Let him in!” yelled Poll from the kitchen.

He rustled past in his grubby raincoat and I pressed my back to the wall in case he brushed against me. The dog sniffed my crotch, then trotted on.

“Here you are,” he said, rooting in one of his plastic bags and pulling out the crevice tool for me to admire. It’s true, I had been wanting one for about six months. Ours had disappeared; probably Poll threw it out by accident, we lose a lot of stuff that way.

Poll marched in and snatched it out of Dogman’s hand. She felt it carefully all over, then took it over to the floor lamp to peer at it in the light. “Well, aren’t you lucky, Katherine Millar? She’s always moaning about dog hairs. Winston sheds all summer and all winter, it’s a wonder he in’t bald. Say thank you. Where did you get it, Dickie? Car boot?”

Dogman grinned. “I found it.”

Nicked it, more like.

Poll handed it over to me and I squinted at the maker’s mark. “But it’s the wrong brand,” I said. “This is off a Dyson, we have a Lervia. It won’t fit.”

“Get away,” said Dogman. “Bit of duct tape on the end of your tube, it’ll be fine.”

I could have inserted the tool into his mouth, Tom and Jerry style.

“Are you seriously expecting me to start mauling with duct tape every time I want to use the thing? Putting it on and taking it off? I’m not going through that performance.” I dropped the tool onto the settee. If Poll wanted to claim it, she could do the hoovering herself.

Poll tutted and Dogman shook his head sorrowfully.

“Young people today,” said Poll, “they want life gift-wrapped, they do. Tek no notice of her, Dickie. She’s on t’ crest of a rebellion all t’ time. I think it’s hormones. At least, I hope that’s all it is.” She raised her eyebrows at him.

Piss off, I nearly said.

•••

“One day I’ll die,” Poll’s always going, “and then you’ll be sorry, my girl.”

No I won’t. I’ll put the bloody flags out. I’ll tie a red satin bow around Winston’s neck, dance stark naked up and down Mesnes Park, and put an ad in the “Celebrations” column of the Wigan Observer.

She always had a lot to say

She had a tongue sharp as a knife

But now my grandma’s passed away

I’m off to start a whole new life.

In remembrance of Pollyanna Millar,evil-minded shrew and dog-botherer

That night, after Poll had groped her way along the landing from the bathroom, I wrote in my diary:

New Year’s Resolutions

1.Stop eating (lose 10 kg by Valentine’s Day)

2.Get everyone at school to call me Kat, not Katherine, as sounds cooler

3.Try to make friends with Donna French X X X lush lush

4.Decide what to do about My Future

Then I lay down on the bed, under Dad’s old posters of Blondie, and tried to block out the bad thoug

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