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Terrifying childhood experiences

—Got your nose!
—Please just kill me. Better to die than to live the rest of my life as a monster.

—What’s that in your ear? Hey—it’s a quarter!
—Why is everybody laughing? I have a horrifying brain disease.

—Peek-a-boo!
—Jesus Christ. You came out of nowhere.


When I lost my first tooth

me: You’re never going to believe this. I was hanging out with my friends and all of a sudden, a tooth fell out of my mouth. I think there’s something seriously wrong with me.

mom: Looks like the tooth fairy’s coming to town!

me: Who?

mom: The tooth fairy. She visits children in the middle of the night and takes their teeth.

me: Is she . . . a cannibal?

mom: No, she’s a fairy.

me: What else does she take? Does she take eyes?

mom: No, just teeth. And when she’s done, she leaves a surprise under your pillow.

me: Oh my God.

mom: I wonder what it’ll be this time?

me: Okay . . . let’s not panic here. There’s got to be a way to trap her or kill her. We just need to think.

mom: You don’t want to kill the tooth fairy.

me: Why not? Wait a minute . . . I see what’s going on. You’re in cahoots with her! God, it all makes sense now . . . how else would she know that I had lost a tooth in the first place?

mom: I think someone’s getting a little sleepy.

me: Wait until Dad finds out about this!

mom: He knows about the tooth fairy, sweetie.

me: Jesus Christ. How high up does this thing go?

mom: Let’s get you tucked in.

me: Listen . . . as long as we’re laying it all on the line, you might as well be straight with me. What other fairies are you working with? Is there a face fairy?

mom: There’s just a tooth fairy, sweetie. She comes every time you lose a tooth.

me: What do you mean “every time”? I’m going to lose more teeth?

mom: You’re going to lose all of them.


A conversation between the people who hid in my closet every night when I was seven

freddy krueger: When do you guys want to kill him?

murderer from the six o’clock news: How about right now?

dead uncle whose body i saw at an open casket funeral: I say we do it when he gets up to pee. You know, when he’s walking down the hallway, in the dark.

freddy krueger: What if he doesn’t get up?

murderer: He’ll get up. Look at how he’s squirming. It’s only a matter of time.

dead uncle: Man, I cannot wait to kill this kid.

murderer: Same here.

freddy krueger: I’ve wanted to kill him ever since he saw my movie.

dead uncle: Hey, do you guys remember that night-light Simon used to have?

murderer: Man, that thing scared the heck out of me.

freddy krueger: It’s a good thing his mom got rid of it. Now there’s nothing to stop us from killing him. (Everyone nods in agreement.)

dr. murphy: Hey, guys, sorry I’m late. I was busy scheduling an appointment with Simon, to give him shots. freddy krueger: No problem.

(Freddy Krueger and Dr. Murphy do their secret han

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